Monday, November 10, 2008

Back in the Saddle Again

It's taken a while to get back into the adult sized career spanning "swing of things" as of late. It would seem that as the crisp gray air of Fall (otherwise known as SUMMER in San Francisco) always brings forth a reflective melancholy "what the fuck am I doing with my life" approach to this thirty-something physicality I've been dumped into. Now, it's not a surprise. I didn't suddenly wake up one morning and have a management position and pubic hair ala Tom Hanks in the film BIG. It took he and I both a little time to get into a managerial position. However, it did come as quite a surprise that I was 31 years old and not as agile, flexible, or quick to rebound from binge drinking as I had previously been. My search for eternal self-destruction had finally killed off my twenty something invincibility delivering the long overdue message on some random hangover-Tuesday morning with a firm kick in the dangles. You're getting old.
Of course, it's not old in the worldly sense of old. It's not old in the philosophical sense of old... not the "Screw you I'm 42" sense of old... or even the technological definition of old. Hell, America is only 200-and-change. We were the youngest kid on the block for a long time. The only countries that have us beat are the bastard children of the former U.S.S.R. You know what? I may not be that old, but I'm old enough to remember the Cold War and I was born in the fucking 70s. Kids born in the late 80s make me feel like a pedophile - because, yes - when an attractive girl walks down the street, I take notice. It would probably help if some of these 40-something parents out there with teenage daughters didn't allow their precious little princesses parade around the streets like hookers.
God, I even sound like an old man. When did this happen?
I've veered miles from my point. I had a dream. I was an 8-year-old boy dreaming of Hollywood. I wanted to act. I wanted to be the next big actor. I wanted to be Spielberg. I wanted to live the American Silver Screen dream. I worked as hard as I could in the south to break out and start chasing that dream down. I played and made a fistful of films - features, shorts, experiments, and purges of madness. I played hard and did my best James Dean.
Have I given up?
Now, all I can work towards is to be the next Harrison Ford or Paul Newman. Not so bad, eh? Take this into consideration. Harrison Ford was 32 when he acted in American Graffiti. Paul Newman was 42 when he starred in Cool Hand Luke. I guess I've still got some time.
So, I should have this script wrapped up soon and ready for pre-production and regular production as well as post-production in 2009. It should be a lot of fun to see what a group of misfits (RSF[WEST] and After5Collective) can do with this stack of toilet paper. I guess you either do the job or spread the shit around. I feel confident. I don't know if this is the one to garner some kind of media attention. We'll just have to give it a shot in the dark.
Speaking of Shot in the Dark - can anyone else believe that they're actually making a sequel to the remake of The Pink Panther? And they're just calling it The Pink Panther 2?! I mean, at least the original sequels changed it up a bit... like Return of the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther Strikes Again, Revenge of the Pink Panther, Trail of the Pink Panther, Curse of the Pink Panther, A Shot in the Dark, Son of the Pink Panther... ...I mean, at the very least the Ocean's franchise tried by playing with the numbers.
I think Steve Martin can be very funny but stealing a 40 year bit from a dead man... What's next? A remake of Dr. Strangelove?
Fuck.
I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please do not remake Dr. Strangelove. It was bad enough that you tried to finish Eyes Wide Shut... and I'm sorry, Steven - A.I. sucked. The last Indy installment had me 2/3rds of the way, and then you let George pull the aliens bit. I understand... you both dig aliens. Awesome. Here's a lesson to you both: Do you know what made Darth Vader so menacing? His mask. A black mask that looked like the front end of a fucking Cadillac. What happened in Jedi, George? You took off the mask. The only way it could have been more stupid is if Luke's father ended up being a fucking Ewok. Oh, there's a novel idea. Why didn't the Ewoks make it into Indiana Jones and the Secret of Why George Lucas Should No Longer Be Given the Opportunity to Make Another Fucking Movie Ever?!? I'm sure you tried it though. I saw that gopher in the beginning credits. It looked a lot like a fucking Ewok. You just couldn't let them go could you? Which brings me to my next point.
Hollywood, please stop remaking movies. Take a chance on someone with an original idea, a love for the art, and someone with a sprinkle of talent.
Seriously? A remake of Friday the 13th? You're going to remake an original installment of a horror movie because the sequels spun out of control? Putting Jason Voorhees in space wasn't enough? Isn't it about time for another installment of American Pie? Jason Voorhees could kill those dipshits. Oh, how about we find a way to put Jason in the newest installment of The Fast and The Furious... this one aptly titled FAST AND FURIOUS... simply because they were all hurting for money and the attention span of your average 19 year old is shorter than a McDonalds Monopoly commercial.
This might be a case to start beating our children again. I'm not talking about coat hangers and electrical cords or even an open-handed slap to the face (though some of you clearly need it). Apparently the people green-lighting this catering truck full of shit-sandwiches needed some sense smacked into them a long, long, long time ago.
Take a cue from Clint Eastwood. I just saw a trailer for his newest film, GRAN TORINO. It's just like Pale Rider, except Clint is older and actually lives in town. That is the right way to remake an original idea.
How about continuing franchises I want to see. Someone please pay Bill Murray the money he wants to make a cameo appearance in Ghostbusters 3. Someone please pay Mel Gibson to reprise his role as an old beaten-down Mad Max (simply to act... I don't need a christian revival in post-apocalyptic Australia - and for fuck's sake don't let Shia LaBouf anywhere near this).
I guess that will do for now. I have to actually get back to my day job... eh... thanks for the time. I'll take another one for the road.

P.S. - Clint Eastwood, if you would ever like to mentor someone that would be eternally grateful and would vow to make meaningful cinema 'till his dying day... I'm just about 2hours up the road from you. I'll gladly give up the day job and come play apprentice anytime.

P.P.S. - I would also love to see you in another Western... though I'm sure you're probably tired of the boots.
-B

3 Comments:

OpenID Kait Nolan said...

Snort. Thanks for the belly laugh boy-o. Welcome back.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Jason Perry said...

I've heard that they plan to remake Clash of the Titans. That might be pretty cool.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Jason said...

I've heard they are planning to remake Clash of the Titans. That might be pretty cool.

5:40 PM  

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