reinventing the flat tire... (your weekend update)

Much like the music industry, the film industry has fallen prey to the razor sharp slashes that eventually bleeds an idea to a slow and painful death. Both the RIA (Recording Industry of America) and the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) are climbing through the fragged and tarnished frontlines of illegal downloading, pirating, and over-zealous fines directed toward whomever is unlucky enough to be caught in the crosshairs. Children are being forced to dole out thousands of dollars for something that we can all "admit" to have taken part in at one point or another. The unfortunate part of the equation (that makes me twist my face as though I had just eaten a chunk of sour milk) is that most of this illegal activity focuses around a bunch of material that is unoriginal, non-creative, and simply "sucks the big one."

We'll stick with the music analogy for a few moments. Music has only so many tones and sounds that can be recorded, emanate, or manipulated. There are no new sounds in the world. The sounds can be twisted and rearranged in particular orders so that they are more pleasing... or less pleasing... or some mashed tones and drones piled upon copious amounts of percussion that course through copper wiring at such high frequencies they'll eventually melt away the cheap plastic cones of your Wal-Mart speakers. It kind of reminds me of the scene in SPIES LIKE US, when the nuclear missile that threatens to start World War Three hits the MTV Satellite and blows up the television that has been hypnotically mezmerizing the black and neon clad girl in braces that quickly responds, "Wicked" once the boob tube dies in an explosion of sparks and smoke. Those moments are the ones that we're still looking for.

You see, films fall under the same theory... there are no new ideas. You can only place the pieces, characters, and relationships in different places to tell a mildly different account of the same story. I can only assume that these are the reasons that "re-makes" of older films and television series have become so "ultra-hip" these days. For the most part, they're fairly successful in their attempt to reinvent or recreate an older idea. We hold a saccarine sweet nostalgic place in our hearts for the Original Versions of these films and shows because they remind us of our youth... simpler, better times when going to the movies or watching a Sunday Kung-Fu matinee stretched a smile across your face large enough to birth a full-grown Dalmation. Growing up sucks for the most part. Our memories of the simple childhood joys are given another chance to have a small amount of life breathed back into them... usually through some 60 million dollar pet project of an MTV generation director that has had no more experience behind the camera than playing the role of an Assistant Director on a failed Limp Bizkit video. They do it for fun (so they'll say) but it's really about the money. Bewitched, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Honeymooners, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Batman Begins, War of the Worlds, The Longest Yard, Herbie: Fully Loaded, George Romero's Land of the Dead, The Bad News Bears, The Pink Panther... RING A BELL?!? That's because they'll all re-makes or reinventions of some thing that has already had some fair amount of success within the last few decades. Plus, all of these re-makes came out within the last month or coming months (yeah, I'm not kidding... all within a three month time span). Sure, lets bring it back out with a couple of new effects and fuck up everything we thought was pure so that these unoriginal assholes with bloated salaries can ruin a good thing for generations to come.

I can only hope that within the next few years, these indie film makers around the country (or internationally) that are out there busting their asses for free, will finally be recognized for original ideas, talent, and not allowing themselves to be manipulated by suits waving around imaginary digits that are supposed to represent a bank account or net worth percentage dividends from ticket sales and merchandising. There was once hope for such a fiery rebellion against those bloated bastards that control the film industry. I remember a time when Pulp Fiction was considered original or at the least a break from the standard bullshit that we were being fed every weekend at the movie theater. Pulp Fiction was nothing more than a rehash of Pulp Comics, 70's violence, and a cannon load of witty dialogue right out of a hipster's poetry notebook, daddy-o... It wasn't original but at least it was a FRESH look at something.

Okay, Shakespeare is a good thing... but even that gets old after a while. Instead, it's replaced by a theater production of ON GOLDEN POND, starring James Earl Jones that no one wants to see anymore because he's bowed out "sick." A great "known" actor playing that role would sell theater tickets (at least that's the mentality)... the problem is that people are proving that type of thought pattern to be correct. If Harrison Ford were doing it... people would probably go see it too... And that my feathered fellows is the Hollywood mentality behind this flush of re-makes. Put some notable faces in the roles of well established characters and let them vomit all over the celluloid while the production team jumps cars 70 feet into the air and blows shit up.... Oh, and make Ralph Kramden an urban black man... because our African American audience loved watching the Honeymooners in the 50's... God forbid they attempt a crack at making Sanford and Son into a movie starring Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle (shit, I have to get the rights to that an make a trillion dollars).

Did you know that they were in talks to make a Dynasty movie?! Who gives a fuck? Rambo IV is also in the makings?!? The Six Million Dollar Man is going to be made into a film?!? I'm now taking names for volunteers that are ready and willing to travel to Hollywood and crack each and every one of these senseless movie mogul bastards over the head with a ballpin hammer. We'll pillage the movie sets, production houses, and watch the whole industry go up in flames.... Oh shit, didn't they do something like that in Escape from L.A.? So much for new ideas, lets hire Ashton Kutcher and make a Knight Rider movie... David Hasselhoff can be the voice of the car.

-B