theater etiquette 101

I went to see Batman Begins last night. First off, it was a great film. Christopher Nolan was very imaginative with the visuals, creative with elements of the story line, and stuck to actual "Special Effects" rather than Visual Effects (the difference is actually blowing shit up instead of a computer generated explosion). Bravo Mr. Nolan... well played.
Now... having gone to the theater twice this week to catch up on some well deserved movie enjoyment, I find it a dire necessity to inform the various peoples of this fine city that there will be bloody-bashing acts of vengeful violence played out across the staggered rows of theater seats if some things do not change swiftly. Things have gotten out of control. So, I'll make a little list for those of you that may have forgotten how to behave in a movie theater.

MOVIE ETIQUETTE 101
1. If at all possible, arrive to the theater a little early.
I know realize that all issues of time delays and constraints are not always in our control. I have a girlfriend that takes FOREVER to get ready. She does her best to be on time for me, I do my best not to lose my head when I'm late. Now that there are commercials before the previews actually start, there is some time to still arrive at the theater and get all of your things in order.

2. Purchase your snacks and go to the bathroom before hand.
You can do these things before you go into the theater. Look, if you want to buy a soda and popcorn at the theater and spend 13 dollars for it, feel free. I don't... so I usually sneak in something to drink, if I need it. Admittedly there are times where I'll have a beer or two before a movie so that I can sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Now, if you've had too much to drink and the film is somewhere around 2 and 1/2 hours long, I can understand having to get up to go to the restroom. However, these acts of getting up and stomping through the isles disrupts everyone in the theater. Stay seated, please.

3. Sit down and shut the fuck up.
Once you've found your perfect seat, open your candy and what not and get all of your little hushed conversations out before the previews end. I'll give you the time to talk and joke a bit during the previews. I'll even excuse the cellophane crinkles during the beginning of the movie. But under no circumstances should you ever talk during the film. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW CONFUSED YOU ARE OR HOW YOU THINK THAT SCENE IS FUNNY OR SCARY... Do NOT talk to the screen! Don't talk to the people around you. I'll repeat, SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I can't tell you how many times I had to turn around and actually scream, "Quiet" yesterday. Hell, I moved seats in the theater after the film started because two ladies with a kid sat down near me and the kid just started talking away. He's a kid... I'll forgive him for that. However, the parents or guardians should have been WHISPERING to the kid saying something along the lines of, "Shhhhh, Honey, people are trying to watch the movie. Talking is rude." Which brings me to another rule.

4. Don't bring children to adult movies.
I don't give a crap if you think the kid can handle it. Odds are if the film is rated PG-13 there is a reason for it. If the kid is under 11 years old, don't take him into that kind of movie. I don't want to hear your babies screaming and crying, scared shitless because they saw something that they couldn't handle... like someone being shot in the face... or their parents being beaten about the head and neck for knowingly bringing a fucking kid into a movie that was too mature for them. If you can't get a babysitter... stay home. Don't bring a 5 year old kid to a movie that starts after 9PM. Kids have bed times. This was a Wednesday night. Go see a matinee.

5. Turn your fucking cell phone OFF!!!!
There is no excuse for that shit. I paid to see the film, not listen to your phone ring 8 times during the film. If you want to talk, go outside or go home. If you are on call and can't turn your phone off... I'm pretty sure you can turn it on silent. God help you if you answer the phone in the theater...

I have to actually go to matinees these days to enjoy a film. Why? Because no one will have to die by my hands... because the people at the matinee are sick and tired of dealing with all of these incosiderate assholes. I remember the days when you would be escorted out of the theater for disturbing those who paid good money to see the films. I think that we should bring these rules back. If you want to act like a stupid shit... you don't get to watch the movie... in fact... you don't get to come back to this theater for a month. If you do come back and do this again, you'll be arrested for trespassing... next time you will be shot in the kneecap... next time we'll cut off your ear... the next time the audience will be given razors so that they may have the satisfaction of slicing you to shreds.
There is no excuse for screaming at the screen, taking laser pointers, talking, cell phones, or breaking liquor bottles in the theater. If you can't abide by these rules, don't go to the theater. I pay a lot of dough to go see these films at my convenience. If you're ruining the experience, you're basically stealing my money. In some countries people lose hands for stealing. Perhaps we should adopt these cultural exchanges... I'll be watching you....